will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
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