So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Randomize
