Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
