Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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