Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
