he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
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