saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
