Your dad touched me again.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Randomize
