so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
no. you can't hotbox the world.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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