I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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