There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Randomize