Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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