I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Randomize
