its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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