you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
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and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
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I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
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