I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
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you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
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Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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