my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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