I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
