I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Randomize
