That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
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