My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
