Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
