Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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