I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
home. puking in laundry basket.
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Randomize
