??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
and you fell through a lawn chair
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
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