The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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