my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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