he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Randomize
