cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
