The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
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I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
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the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
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