I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
His nipple licking is glorious
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