I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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