He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
