there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Randomize
