someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Randomize
