I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
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