Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
he asked if thats how we do it in the states..like there's cultural difference in fucking between canada and the us..
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Randomize