to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Randomize
