I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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