so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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