Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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