I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
