pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
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