I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Randomize
