I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
i came on her dog
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
