Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
