If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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