She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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