Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Randomize