my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Randomize
