make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
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