I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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