beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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