So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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