We're like a lot better than the average bears
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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