I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
Oh god it's open bar.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Randomize
