Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
