Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
